Managing Your Anger Using Emotional Intelligence
Emotional intelligence has many possible definitions. One of them is the rational way of channeling your emotions into the correct channels instead of venting them randomly on the first victim you find.
For instance, if someone had a bad day at work while driving back home and then he yelled at a driver on the road only because he was driving slowly then its not an emotionally intelligent action.
The driver’s pace is the apparent reason for that person’s anger but the real reason behind it is the fact that he had a bad day and just wanted to get some of his suppressed emotions out.
By understanding how to take emotionally intelligent actions you will be able to control your anger in a much better way.
Managing your anger using emotional intelligence
When you think in an emotionally intelligent way you will be able to realize that the driver wasn’t driving slowly on intention but instead he might be afraid of driving too fast.
Once you start to create excuses for people using this intelligent way of thinking you will be able to manage your anger in a better way.
Here is another example for using emotional intelligence to manage your anger. Suppose that you had a real bad day and then the same situation happened (another driver was driving slowly).
The first thing you should do in such a case is realizing why you are feeling frustrated. As soon as you realize that you were angry because of the fight you had with your boss its time to remind yourself that the person driving his car in front of you carries no blame and that becoming angry is a wrong practice.
How lack of emotional intelligence can affect your life
Lack of emotional intelligence doesn’t only affect your anger management abilities but it also affects your ability to recover from a breakup. In my book How to get over anyone in few days i described how confusing emotions such as guilt, insecurity or lack of self confidence with love can prevent you from forgetting about someone.
For example if you loved someone just to compensate for your lack of self confidence, you may first need to teach yourself how to become confident before you can forget about him. Emotional intelligence in this case would have helped you realize that the problem was with self confidence and not love.
Many people send me emails describing their problems. Some say that others hate them, others say that people want them to fail while a third group say that people are mean to them.
Sometimes those people are right but in many cases i find that these concerns are the result of perception problems. In other words, the lack of emotional intelligence can let you see a twisted reality instead of a real one.
Being emotionally intelligent won’t just help you get over your anger but it will also help you avoid these perception problems which are the root cause of many psychological disorders.
How to be emotionally intelligent
What’s the difference between a person who losses his temper and a person who manages to control it?
whats the difference between a person who knows how to deal with people and a person who usually messes things up?
What’s the difference between someone who can’t break a habit and a person who understands the reasons behind his habit and so breaks it?
Emotional intelligence is the ability to take the right decisions even when you are under the effect of a certain emotion. Learning how to develop emotional intelligence will help you escape from tons of problems that would have happened if you were to take emotional decisions.
In the next few lines i will tell you how to be emotionally intelligent.
Emotional intelligence and self understanding
Some people eat because they feel Hungry while others eat because they feel bad and so want to change their hormonal levels through food!!
If the second group of people didn’t understood why they are eating they might never manage to lose weight. Emotional intelligence in this case would be understanding the real reasons behind their food addiction.
Some people get mad and shout because they are insecure
some people are sarcastic because they are wounded and were criticized as children
Some people are aggressive because they have hidden fears
The first key to emotional intelligence is understanding your actions, emotions and the underlying reasons behind them.
Emotional intelligence and understanding others
The other side of emotional intelligence is understanding other people and their behavior.
Few days ago i was with my newly made friends at Lebanon and then one of them started shouting and screaming at us because we left her behind. One of our friends thought that she is aggressive, bad tempered and mad while in fact she was just insecure.
The girl was not feeling safe to be left behind in a country that is new to her and that’s why she started shouting.
Emotional intelligence is all about understanding the real reason behind people’s behavior instead of judging them without thinking.
The arrogant person you see everyday might just be in need of attention
The stubborn person might just be afraid to do something he didn’t try before
The shopping addict might just be someone who has a self image problem
and the bad tempered person might be someone who is already hurt
In the Solid Self confidence program i said that some people are showy because they lack confidence, others are arrogant because they believe that no body will respect them if they didn’t act that way while a third group acts superior because they feel inferior!!
Had any of these people been emotionally intelligent they wouldn’t have acted this way.
Final words about emotional intelligence
If you want to be emotionally intelligent then you must forget about judging people based on your own belief system, You must learn how to see through things and how to put yourself in their shoes.
The same goes for yourself, you must understand your own behavior and find out why you are doing certain things the way you are doing them now.
Stick to those two advice and you will become emotionally intelligent.
Why do people become angry
In my previous article the relationship between fear and anger I explained how fear can be the main reason behind anger in many cases.
That would explain why an angry driver might shout at someone who recklessly crosses the street or why might a boss shout at you if you didn’t complete your work but in some other situations people seem to be angry at a certain person or an object for a different reason.
Why would someone call someone else stupid in his absence? Isn’t that some kind of a stored anger that has another underlying reason other than fear? And why would someone put a status update on Facebook saying that facebook chat sucks?
In this article I will tell you why do people become angry and explain to you the reason behind it.
I am angry = something Prevented me from reaching my goals
We become angry when something affects our life in a way that we don’t like. Anger isn’t always expressed directly but it can be sensed in the words people use in their conversations.
The phrase “Facebook ads are stupid” actually means that Facebook ads annoyed me and prevented me from browsing facebook the way i wanted.
Pay attention for people who use words such as “sucks”, “stupid” or “dumb”, all of these words show that those people have some stored anger that they are trying to release.
Next time someone says that something is dumb or stupid make sure that it affected him badly in a way or another. In short, People become angry when things prevent them from reaching their goals.
Get a life = I am angry and annoyed
One day I was launching an online event with the title How to make someone fall in love with you. As usual the comments were positive and the feedback was great but suddenly a person appeared out of nowhere and left this comment “Get a life” on the event’s wall.
For the first instance it might appear that this person was not interested in such events but on careful examination you will discover that anger was the main reason he wrote that comment and not lack of interest.
Most probably the guy was desperately waiting for some event that allows him to socialize or to meet new people but when he bumped into an online event that first gave him hope then took it back from him (after knowing that its an online event) he felt angry and then wrote the comment.
“Get a life” in this case meant “i am looking for something else and I first thought I would find it here but I didn’t that’s why I am really angry and you people pissed me off”
How to deal with angry people?
The next time someone uses such words when dealing with you confront him with the truth. Tell him that he is angry because you prevented him from reaching certain goals and that instead of blaming you he should have been strong enough to pursue his goals.
Usually when you confront angry people with the truth they become paralyzed because under normal circumstances they would have replied to such an attack with more anger but since the attack was on anger itself they find no other option other than staying silent and watching you in amazement.
Emotional intelligence explained. Examples of emotional intelligence
If you visited 100 different websites talking about emotional intelligence you will discover that each one of them explains it in a different way.
Emotional intelligence is a board topic and that’s why the best way to explain it is by giving examples that can make it clear.
Emotional intelligence is the ability to properly monitor and manage your emotions in an intelligent way in order not to let them take over you or to affect your decision making process. Emotional intelligence is also the ability to know or to understand the emotions of others in order to know the reasons behind their behaviour and so be able to better communicate with them.
Emotional intelligence explanation and examples
Here are some examples for Emotional intelligence :
- understanding your emotions: How come you want to learn how to manage your emotions before understanding them? Understating your emotions is the first step towards becoming emotionally intelligent
- Thinking rationally about the emotion before taking an action:Emotional decisions usually result in taking incorrect actions. For example being angry can motivate you to do something that you regret later. By thinking rationally before acting you will become more emotionally intelligent
- putting yourself in the shoes of others: Emotional intelligence also involves putting yourself in the shoes of others so that you can find an excuse for their behaviour. For example, if you were a manager and one employee was not working hard then it wont be emotionally intelligent to directly assume that he is lazy or not keen to work but instead you should examine his case closer to know if there are other reasons behind it. Maybe you find that he is afraid to make mistakes or maybe you find that he lacks self confidence in his abilities.