Control and deal with your anger
Anger is a bad emotion, not only can it result in letting you make more enemies but it can also damage your internal organs. Studies found that people who get angry more often are more likely to face health problems.
Because of this reason and many other reasons i decided to write this post to help you learn how to tame your anger and get over it.
The following is a very practical list that will help you control your anger effectively instead of letting it control you.
Note that each technique will be effective in helping you deal with anger on its own but knowing all of them will help you select whichever suits you. It will be much helpful to read first about the reasons that can make someone angry before you continue reading about the anger management techniques.
Here are The effective anger management methods:
- Controlling your self talk: your self talk are the words and phrases that you use while you’re thinking. Examples of self talk phrases are “I am sure he will be late as usual” and “my boss is going to assign me loads of work to do today”. As you can see these self talk phrases influence your emotions and can result in anger. By controlling the self talk using CBT or any other technique you will be able to prevent your anger bouts. After getting angry, self talk can play a major role in either intensifying the way you feel or make you chill out. Controlling your self talk is one of the most effective anger management methods
- Anger management and assertiveness: in case your anger was a result of a violation of your rights then nothing can make control your anger effectively better than learning how to ask for your rights assertively . Assertiveness is the way of communication that allows you to stand up for your rights without violence or aggressiveness.
- Wash your face: Another effective and easy anger management technique is washing your face. If you get angry in a place where you can wash your face then do it. It will reduce your anger and make you feel calmer.
- Change your physical position: if you got angry while standing then sit down. If you got angry while you are sitting then lay down. changing your physical position is another effective anger management technique that can be done in seconds and anywhere
- Relaxation and anger management: Relaxation techniques can help you control most of your unwanted emotions including anger. Relaxation helps you to feel much more in control and so can help in reducing your anger. Relaxation techniques are simple and can be applied anywhere and anytime. If you practiced relaxation techniques often they could become a part of your normal response to events that trigger your undesired emotions.
- Controlling your anger emotion: contrary to common beliefs Emotions can actually be controlled. While the initial phase of a certain emotion may be out of control the choice to continue feeling that emotion or to forget about it is up to you.
- Workout or run: Another very effective anger management technique is working out. Not only will sports help you reduce your anger but In addition you will notice that your performance will be much more better in comparison to your performance in a normal state because of the excessive energy of anger
- Breakups and anger:In my book How to get over anyone in few days i said that there are five stages a person must go through in order to recover from a breakup. The second stage is the stage of anger and if you didn’t learn how to control your anger properly at this stage you might not be able to get over the breakup!!
Carried over anger
There is another type of anger, which can’t be easily noticed, but has some deadly effects. Some people are always angry because of things that happened to them in the past.
A person who fears to trust others is actually angry at them. A man who believes that life is unfair is angry at life itself.
This kind of anger keeps accumulating inside the person’s mind and damages his health without he notices. Don’t just focus on getting rid of instant anger but also learn how to release this carried over anger you collected over the years.
Assertiveness is the ability to express your emotions and needs without violating the rights of others and without being aggressive.
People who are not assertive do their best to please others while violating their own rights or sacrificing their own needs. For the sake of avoiding rejection those people become overly nice to win their friends but they end up losing their self confidence.
Assertiveness is not about showing people that you can shout and its not about scaring them but it’s something between being aggressive and being passive.
Assertiveness is the act of asking for what you want in a confident way that harms no one but in the same time preserves your rights.
why am i not assertive?
Assertiveness is not something that is inherited. Assertiveness is a skill that anyone can learn if he decided to. Lack of assertiveness usually result from the way a person was raised. If a child was constantly told that he must be nice in order for others to like him then he might not become assertive when he grows up.
The good news is that you can learn how to be assertive starting today once you take the decision and decide that you won’t let go of your rights anymore for the sake of pleasing others.
But will people like me if i am assertive?
Contrary to common beliefs being assertive will not let people avoid you or hate you, this may only happen with over sensitive people who might get hurt by assertiveness. Here is a guide that will help you (spot a sensitive person from his looks). Normal people on the other hand won’t hate you when you become assertive but on the contrary they will like you because you sound more confident.
in order to be assertive you must stick to these rules
In order to be assertive you must stick to these rules and guidelines:
- You have the right to have your own values, beliefs, opinions, and emotions.
- You have the right not to justify or explain your actions to others.
- You have the right to tell others how you wish to be treated.
- You have the right to express yourself and to say, “No,” “I don’t know,” “I don’t understand,” or even “I don’t care.”
- You have the right to take the time you need to formulate your ideas before expressing them.
- You have the right to make mistakes.
- You have the right to stand up for yourself and for what you want.
- You have the right to be treated with respect.
If you refused to follow these guidelines and if you insisted on not being assertive then you might end up feeling worthless as your self confidence will be badly affected.
Being assertive is not a hard a task. You just need to change two things, the words that you use and your body language.
Assertiveness in relationships
In my book, The ultimate guide to maintaining a healthy relationship i explained how lack of assertiveness can ruin a relationship.
People who are not assertive keep accumulating the bad emotions that result from the violation of their rights then explode later on when they can’t bear them anymore. This habit can ruin any relationship and this is another reason why you must learn how to be assertive.
Anger turns into depression
After a conversation with some of the people I know I found that there is a wide misconception about anger management which is that you should control your anger all the time in order to be correctly managing your anger.
Suppressed anger is one of the main causes of depression and one of the most famous definitions of depression is “Anger turned inwards”
When someone becomes angry and keeps it inside him instead of releasing his anger he will surely end up depressed. Of course this doesn’t happen overnight but sooner or later his suppressed emotions will turn into bad feelings followed by depression.
In my book, The ultimate guide to getting over depression i explained how depression can be nothing more than loss of hope towards dealing with an external stimulus, in this case anger is the external stimulus and ignoring it for prolonged periods will result in loss of hope which will shortly turn into depression.
If someone punched you in the face and then you took a deep breath, counted from 1 to 10 then went home you will find depression waiting for your at the door.
Anger management is not suppressing your emotions
Contrary to common beliefs, anger management is not suppressing your anger but it’s rather controlling the flow of it and directing it to the right people instead of projecting it on others who have done nothing bad to you.
For example, if someone bothered you and then you became angry you might incorrectly do any of the following:
- Shout at your kids when you go home when they do the slightest mistake
- Shout at the drivers in the street
- Start a fight with anyone who does anything even if he was just kidding
Directing your anger towards innocent people is wrong however directing it to the people who originally bothered you is a healthy action that must be done in order to prevent suppressed emotions from turning into depression.
Anger management strategies
When someone gives you a punch in your face, give him a punch too, then apply anger management to :
- Not give him another one
- To not shout at innocent people like your wife, kids or friends who have done nothing bad to you
Lots of the people you see shouting all the time are actually angry at other things but they don’t know how to control their anger nor do they understand that directing it to the right place will make them become calmer. The man who always shouts at everyone has something that is bothering him in his life that he can’t deal with it.
So should you forgive people instead of punching them? Yes but only if you can punch them. For example if the world’s wrestling champion bullied you and then you decided to control your anger you will be actually fooling yourself and surely you will get depressed.
Your subconscious mind will understand that you are deceiving it, the trust you have for yourself will decrease, you will lose self respect and your self esteem will be affected.
On the other hand if one of your friends annoyed you while you had the power to force him to apologize then forgiving him would then be an option.